A family to me is : togetherness, caring, compassion, loyalty....The list goes on with other adjectives that describe a positive relationship of a family. I am writing about this today because my family: Luis, Enzo, and Ales mean the world to me. I am not very close to my "other" family like my mom, dad, aunts and uncles. I never have. My grandmother was the only family i had. She cared for me and raised me to be the mother and person that i am today. Now that i have my family--i understand what a big family is and does.
The problem is that i have alot of conflicting issues with my in-laws. They do not understand that our boys only have them to be close to because of my "other" family situation. Now, that my grandmother has passed away--they are the only extended family our kids have. My husband says that we are all the boys need, but i still feel that the role of grandma, grandpa, aunts, uncles, and cousins are important in a young childs life.
So, most of the 8 years i have been with my husband has been trying to nurture this relationship with my in-laws for my kids. It hasn't worked. I am constantly being left out of gatherings between my sister-inlaws and my father-in-law plays favoritism among the grandkids. I don't understand why i never got a chance to fit in, but it's not just me anymore---our boys are beginning to feel the inequality of the relationship between them and their cousins, aunts, and grandpa.
My sister, aunt, mother, and father inlaw have always treated me like i was just a passerby-- since day one. They do not give me any kind of respect, which i do not tolerate... i will actually come out and confront the problem. They then turn everything on me and make me look like the bad guy. Even when they know they are wrong they will all group together against me. My husband has been in alot of arguments with them about this, but i tell him that this is my battle. I feel bad that my husband has a wife that his family does not get along with. What is sad is that i have tried so hard to fit in. I have voluntarily babysitted, arranged get togethers between my sister-laws and i, and tried to bond with my mother inlaw. Well, everytime i was blocked. They would make up excuses or tried to ignore my requests.
My sister-in-laws kids are exhibiting the same kind of mean and isolated feelings towards my boys. I wonder if she has told them to be like that or if they just picked it up by observing how my in-laws act towards my boys and me. My husband has never been close to them either--so we share the same sentiments about them. I don't understand it. I have tried and tried to bring all of us together, but nothing seems to help.
I have even decided to stop spending the holidays with them because of this mess. Well, i don't think this will ever change because it has not changed in the past eight years. We are at a point where we feel that we should establish our own family traditions and celebrate our own holidays together. It almost feels like we are starting from scratch.
My biggest worry is when my in-laws pass on. How will we gather with my other inlaws to grieve? Should we just show up after the ceremony in private? Oh well, i will figure it out when we get to the road.
Sorry about the ramblings,
The Gomez Family 2007
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aka: Dad & Mom
Alessandro,Enzo,Jill,and Luis. Family of four! :)
About Us...
- The Gomez Family
- San Antonio, Texas, United States
- We are a family of four. All born and raised in San Antonio, TX. We are proud parents of two strong and healthy growing boys. Alessandro is a loving, caring, down to earth old soul who keeps me grounded. Enzo gives me an extra boost of loving with his masterful,creative and brillant mind. Luis is strong,smart, and artistic. I would like to consider myself as a master organizer,creative baker and cook, and a lover of books and writing.
Luis & Jill
aka: Dad & Mom
4 comments:
i'm so sorry you are feeling blue. i'm here if you want to talk.
I am visiting with a friend this week, who's in-law's live less than 2 blocks away. They constantly have their granddaughter over, keep her overnight, and buy her little gifts. Their grandson lives less than 2 blocks away and they only see him on Sundays at church. I'm sure this breaks my friend's heart, although she might not vocalize it. My advice would be to keep trying, but even more continue to build the healthy, loving setting you have established for your boys. That is what they will carry with them into their adult lives, and because they had that they will be open to sharing and loving their family and extended family.
While at the moment you feel in deep despair, keep on trying. You never know, your in-laws might see the light and one day it might dwell on them what they are doing.
It's sad to hear that the other kiddos are treating your kids like that but kids are like tape recorders; they mimic their parents actions.
Let your kids mimic your continous outreach, kindness and much, much patience. Good luck!
p.s. you need to blog more! I enjoy them! :)
Oh girl, you know that I can relate. Kevin hasn't even talked to his dad in almost 3 years now. It breaks my heart, but the saddest part is that it really isn't all that different than when they were talking. It's not like he ever called or visited or showed any real interest in our lives or the kids before. I will NEVER understand how parents and grandparents can be that way, but sadly it's just the way some people are. You can only be the one doing all the work to make a relationship work for so long before you just give up. That is what happened with Kevin, he just got tired of being the only one who ever called or visited and finally just quit making an effort, it was right around the time when we lost Kyle and we just didn't have the energy to be reaching out to people and needed them to reach out to us at that horrible time in our life. Not only did his dad not call then, Kevin hasn't received a call from him since. It makes me sick and sad at the same time. I eventually realized we just need to surround ourselves with people who truly care about us and not worry about the rest.
You are an amazing person and great mom and your kids are some of the sweetest I have ever known, they are so LUCKY to have you guys as family and if they can't see that or appreciate it then they don't deserve to have you in their life. Especially not when their actions are hurting you and your kids.
I'm so sorry you are having to deal with people like this, it's not fair and it just plain sucks. In the end, the family you and Luis have with your kids is all that matter so just do what is best for you guys and don't worry about anything else. ((HUGS))
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